483. Transformers: Age of Extinction

Background info

483-transformers-age-of-extinctionTitle: Transformers: Age of Extinction
Director: Michael Bay
Year: 2014
Run time: 2hrs 45m

“From director Michael Bay and executive producer Steven Spielberg comes the best “Transformers” ever! With humanity facing extinction from a terrifying new threat, it’s up to Optimus Prime and the Autobots to save the world. But now that our government has turned against them, they’ll need a new team of allies, including inventor Cade Yeager (Mark Wahlberg) and the fearsome Dinobots!”

Live blog

1:44 – Can’t see any dinosaur on screen without thinking it’s Jurassic Park.
5:21 – “Sequels and remakes, bunch of crap.”
9:44 – That’s so Optimus-Past-His-Prime.
11:29 – Marky Mark says he’s ahead of his time, I have a guy a bit like that.
19:53 – Not Ratchet!
21:37 – Crikey, Kelsey Grammar’s voice is turning into James Earl Jones.
29:37 – Optimus Prime leaks green stuff. Grosssss.
39:38 – That guy just got run over in mid air.
48:40 – Rally driver for Red Bull! Amazing.
52:17 – You know it’s bad when Mr C says “don’t ask too many questions.”
58:26 – What noise will I have when I walk through the door?
59:36 – Transformium! Rubbish name.
1:00:39 – It transformed into a Beats Pill. I don’t even.
1:06:13 – “Like Bumblebee, but better in every way.” Ouch!
1:08:06 – Bumblebee is the best. Needs his own spin off.
1:18:35 – Wow, how do you make a robot look surprised?
1:29:35 – If they’re going into space, what are the chances of them needing oxygen for robots?
1:31:53 – Oh they might not be going into space. They didn’t know that though.
1:44:18 – Space ship insurance is expensive, I bet.
1:52:42 – “Top of your alien wish list.” What’s on your alien wish list?
2:07:16 – Really loving Stanley Tucci in this latter half of the film.
2:14:58 – They can’t roll out, they’re dinosaurs. Stomp out.
2:20:41 – Dinosaurs didn’t actually breathe fire, I guess. More like dragonbots.
2:37:36 – Leave humans alone, he says. Like that worked for the last three films.

Conclusions

To recap, I quite liked the original three Transformers movies, enjoying them for what they were. They were all identical, of course, full of explosions and Megan Fox and stuff like that. I was quite happy for that trilogy to end, and intrigued to see what a new set of films would be like, particularly with Marky Mark involved!

It was awful. Not only was it awful but it had the potential to be so good. All the component parts were excellent – Wahlberg seemed like a good character, Tucci was brilliant, there was bonus John Goodman, the CGI was very strong, even the story made some sense. But somehow Bay managed to screw up all the separate parts, merging them into a hideous mess. There were clear bits that didn’t make sense because of what had been cut out of the film, and it was still verging on three hours.

There was also a really obvious moment where the film should have ended, and it would have been a solid 3 or 4 out of 5. Unfortunately, they carried on for another hour and lost all sense of plot and direction. Such a waste.

Rating: 1/5.

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